Relationships & Commitment: Are You Ready?
I saw my phone light up with another text message from him. “Why can’t we get together Friday night?” he asked. I could feel my frustration level rising. I had already told him I was busy Friday. We’d hung out two days this week already and I wanted to go out of town with my girlfriends shopping this weekend. I didn’t feel obligated to explain that to him. I enjoyed our dates and talking on the phone but he was starting to encroach on more of my time and I wasn’t appreciating it. I hope this guy isn’t expecting more from this relationship than I want it to be…
I predict that this relationship is a train headed straight for the cliff.
No one likes to be alone – at least not all the time. It’s our natural inclination to desire companionship. Who wants to go out to dinner alone and have no one to share conversation with? I mean, what do you feel when you see someone sitting alone at a restaurant? Curiosity? Pity? It almost doesn’t look natural, right?
Showing up at a party solo often makes you feel like a social misfit. And sitting with your phone in your pocket while everyone else taps out text messages to friends and sweethearts is nothing short of a-w-k-w-a-r-d.
How Much are We Willing to Commit?
We cultivate friendships and check in with family because we crave companionship. But we have unspoken rules etched in our mental notebook: we call the shots on how much to invest in that relationship. When barriers get crossed, alarms sound off in our mind and we apply the brakes.
It’s not that we aren’t capable of deep relationships. When we’re ready, we’ll crush the competition and cross huge obstacles to make it happen. But, the planets have to be aligned (at least in our minds) for us to accept the challenge or we’ll throw up barricades to keep others out.
There is nothing inherently threatening about being “friends” on Facebook or flirting with the new guy in the church youth group, but that doesn’t mean you’re ready to sit across the table from them at a restaurant or exchange phone numbers just yet.
A Deeper Level of Commitment
Building a relationship — whether just a friendship or a romantic interest — requires time, effort, and – the real deal breaker – commitment. Another person holds you accountable for your part of the relationship.
This mutuality can be glorious if you understand what’s expected. The perks of camaraderie and intimacy can be deeply satisfying rewards for your investment.
You don’t have to go to the party alone!
The downside? (Depending on your perspective.) The other person in the relationship expects something in return. They want you to be “available” for them and respond to their needs.
Commitment to a relationship exposes you to vulnerability and emotional risks. More of your time is dedicated to that person. There is an expectancy for you to connect with them on a regular basis rather than occasionally or when the whim hits you. Even simple communication can become complex because your expectation level is higher.
When feelings deepen and you feel the investment is “worth it”, you’ll plow through the doubts and cultivate the relationship. If you count the cost and decide you aren’t willing to make the sacrifice, you’ll look for a reason to end it.
Relationships are a Matter of Choice
The saying is true that “no man is an island unto himself”. But we reserve the right to pick who stays on our island with us. If there is mutual enjoyment and understanding of what you expect from each other, the relationship will succeed.
But, if one partner ventures into deeper water than the other is willing to go, the ship’s about to sink.
Maybe you actually enjoy sitting alone in a quiet corner table of a cafe and the idea of being deserted on an island with just yourself for company sounds appealing.
That’s OK too.
We won’t judge you. 🙂
Your heart will nudge you when it’s ready to let someone else in and accept the commitment.
“In the end, there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you.
There just has to be someone who wants to.”
(Robert Brault)