“Are You Even Listening?” (Being Present vs. Being Distracted)

I stared straight into my husband’s eyes while he shared about his frustrating work day. I nodded and I’m pretty sure my expression was properly fixed in “sympathy mode”. But, I wasn’t hearing a word he was saying – I wasn’t present at that moment.

Predictably…he noticed.

Sighing, he asked, “You don’t really care about this, do you?” I was stricken (and feeling incredibly guilty). My mind had been somewhere else – exploring mental galaxies outside of the one that I should have been sharing with my husband.

This happens often, unfortunately.

I know I’m not alone in this. In the chaotic, fast-paced life we lead, we are constantly in a state of being distracted. We struggle to engage in the present moment with whatever we are doing. Mentally conditioned to multi-task, we try to function seamlessly by making a brief appearance (mentally or physically) in each moment.

Personally, I can type the agenda for an upcoming meeting while simultaneously jotting down lesson plans for my yearbook students. I congratulate myself when I check off multiple items on my “to-do” list in record time. But, did I do a good job on any of them?

“Jack-of-All-Trades – Master of None.”

Basically, I accomplish a bit of this and that but have not done my best at any one task. Sure, I got it done but probably did a cruddy job in the process.

Let’s peek into a few common scenarios. Shall we?

• Mom’s Busy = Perfect Time To Ask

You’re making a shopping list. Your son asks if he can go to a friend’s house. You mumble, “Yeah, sure”, without even glancing up. Hours later, he’s MIA. You send off an angry text when he reminds you that you gave him permission. Filtering through your memory files, you try to recall the conversation…(I should try this when Andy is distracted to see if he’ll give me the green light to buy a Kate Spade purse…)

• Reading, But Not Really….

You are reading a book and realize that you’ve read the same paragraph three times because you have no idea what you’ve just read. You haven’t retained a single word. In fact, you aren’t even sure what the book is about at this point.

• Physically On a Date – Mentally Somewhere Else

I can’t tell you how many dates my husband and I went on when the kids were younger (even now that they are grown!) that I spent the whole time running through a mental dialog like this – “Will the babysitter notice if they fall out a window? Did I lock the medicine cabinet? Are they texting and driving?” – instead of enjoying time together.

We run on an endless treadmill of distractedness.

What is so hard about being mindful of the present moment? Why can’t we give full attention to the things that are right here, right now? Dr. Kurapati, from mindbodygreen, explains it best:

“Because the present is given to us, our mind perceives it as something not worth dwelling in – it’s not worth thinking about the present because it’s simply guaranteed.” 

We falsely believe we can conquer the world and find personal satisfaction by always thinking ahead instead of dwelling in the present moment. It feels like we are wasting time by giving our full attention to what needs our focus right now – our family, the essay we are writing for school, our best friend on the phone, etc. We exist in survival mode, abandoning the creativity and inspiration that comes with quiet focus. Life becomes a tenacious balance where one more pebble on the wrong side of the scale throws us into a mental temper tantrum of exasperation.

Being PRESENT takes PRACTICE.

Being mindful and present will not happen automatically. Like an addiction, you have to break the familiar patterns and practice at being present:

• Ignore the internal voices running circles in your mind.
• Focus 100% on what you are doing right now.
• Be aware of what you are feeling and how you are responding to the moment.
• When your thoughts start to wander, reign them back in. No exceptions…

Start with little moments throughout your day. Find value and importance in what is happening in that moment.

Practice tackling the big ticket items like really listening to your spouse (Don’t repeat my mistake!), putting the phone down when your daughter wants to chat, or finally sitting down to plan that ladies’ luncheon you were tasked with three weeks ago.

Soon enough, you’ll be a pro and will find yourself feeling a peace you hadn’t felt before in your busy state of mind. You may even find yourself engrossed in that novel you’ve been trying to read unsuccessfully for months AND actually be able to follow the story line!

Let’s do this!